it makes me think of being there

and sweating

sweat dripping from my forehead

sweat on my collar bone getting caught in that depression

there are so many places where liquid can pool on the body

places that dip and curve

i’m sitting naked on this bench in the heat and my body is a body of water

and the land around it

head hair, arm hair, armpit hair,

hairs that sit erect where woman hair is not to be,

hairs around my nipples, my chin:

the grass of the body

and all these rivers and pools

Félix Vallotton

i like being cold,

and swollen.

swollen hands,

swollen legs, my hair feels swollen. the cold can feel moist.

everyday i wear a sweatshirt,

sometimes without a shirt underneath,

i want to be someone who wears interesting clothes but these days i only feel comfortable in sweatshirts.

i treat the sleeves like jewelry, i roll them differently depending on the day,

the sleeves of my sweatshirt, they cover my arms, they roll like water,

i swim in these clothes, this is not to say that i swim in them to signify bigness, or too-bigness,

they fit the way sweatshirts should fit, my sweatshirts,

not too snug and not too loose,

and the right fit of a sweatshirt,

it is smooth,

like water is smooth.

it’s right.

i walk around like i’m swimming,

the sleeve on the right hand rolled twice and only once on the left,

i wear too few layers for the weather and sit sometimes thinking that i am wearing too few layers.

last night i dreamt i was given a lump of gold to suck on in a concrete room, the lump would release gold in predetermined increments , i held it in my mouth lying on a bed alone all night, in my dream all night i held it in my mouth, this mind of it’s own lump of gold.

you know i keep feeling like i am just doing the wrong things

i ate half a bowl of cottage cheese 

white bowl white curds

the fat coated the spoon and coated my tongue

and i left the house with a fat coated tongue

and i walked around the block,

it’s this warm day when it’s been nothing but cold days

i wore mittens and four layers and was too hot

i put the mittens in my pockets and walked with cars going by

people always turn to look when they are driving and there’s someone walking

i do it too

it doesn’t have to be anything interesting, 

just a guy with running pants, running

and i’ll turn and look, 

and i always wonder, 

why did i turn and look?

it didn’t interest me peripherally or when i turned to look

and the turning, while driving, there’s a bit of danger in it

just to see something you didn’t even really want to see,

a guy running in running shorts on a mildly sunny day

passing you while you sit in the car

that’s what they probably thought when they turned to look at me,

driver after driver, 

disheveled woman in dirty jeans with unneeded mittens in her pockets, 

a detail the average person couldn’t possibly notice from the vantage point of the driver’s seat of a car, 

but they look anyway, i would too.